What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
