she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i drank out of a bidet.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
