Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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