When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
