nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
