No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
