I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
