I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
