I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
