I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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