i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
