apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
