I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
