Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
