just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
