she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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