It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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