The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
