i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
