I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
