Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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