it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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