Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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