yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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