update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
