what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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