I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
