Define "chronic" masturbator.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
