i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have aggressive nipples.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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