tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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