It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
