whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
