Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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