Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I checked into jail on foursquare
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
