I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
