i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
