Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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