i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
