My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
