I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
