Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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