whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
