how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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