I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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