plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
