I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
