3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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