I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
