I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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