wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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